She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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