We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I want to fling myself into the sun
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
