this beer tastes like vomit already
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
