Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
