There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
