so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
