I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
