Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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