there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
