I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
