Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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