There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
