You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
