My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
