Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
