The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
