Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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