dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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