First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
