Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
