blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
you inspire me to be a worse person
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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