If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
