you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
