When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
