Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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