Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Randomize
