??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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