Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I smell like Dick and happiness
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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