we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
