i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The uberlube is also flammable
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
