She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
