what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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