Got a toothbrush?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
