last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
