It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
