Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
