At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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