My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
