I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
