if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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