I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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