No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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