my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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