And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
