so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize