I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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