woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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