Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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