...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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