when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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