his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
