Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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