Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
