Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
