nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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