Someone shit on the floor
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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