**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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