There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
