this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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