Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
