I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Randomize
