So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
