You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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