fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
