Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I still have a little drunk in my system
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
