apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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