At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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