I want to have your abortion
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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