dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
So apparently I’m into choking now
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