$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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