I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
