I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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